It Is What It Is
Often in our day to day lives we can feel overwhelmed, so it’s no surprise that many of us adopt coping phrases to deal with disappointment, pain, or stress. One phrase that’s become especially popular is: “It is what it is.” At first glance, it seems wise, grounded in acceptance, resilience, and practicality. It helps us move on, avoid unnecessary suffering, and let go of what we can’t control. But when used too often, or in the wrong context, this phrase can quietly make things worse for us.
Let’s take a deeper look at why “It is what it is” may not always be the healthy mantra of acceptance we believe it to be, and how overusing it can have consequences for our mental health and emotional well-being.
A Tool for Acceptance, Or Avoidance?
At its best, “It is what it is” acknowledges reality. It encourages us to stop resisting what we can’t change and avoid wasting energy fighting circumstances outside of our control. This kind of acceptance is essential in mental health especially in practices like mindfulness, dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
But there’s a thin line between accepting and avoiding.
When we overuse “It is what it is,” we risk using it as emotional avoidance, a way to sidestep uncomfortable feelings, avoid difficult conversations, or ignore situations that actually need our attention. Instead of facing the pain, addressing the conflict, or acknowledging our needs, we just pretend they don’t exist and give up.
When Acceptance Becomes Resignation
Consider this: you’re unhappy at work. You feel undervalued, burned out, and stuck. But instead of exploring options, setting boundaries, or advocating for change, you tell yourself, “It is what it is.” You stay quiet. You stay stuck. And over time, you might begin to feel helpless.
This is resignation, not acceptance.
True acceptance empowers you to face reality and choose your response. Resignation, on the other hand, robs you of your control of the situation. It convinces you that nothing can change so why try? When “It is what it is” becomes a default reaction to adversity, we may start tolerating things that harm us, stifle our growth, or go against our values. This resignation can also lead to us detaching from our emotions.
The Emotional Cost of Detachment
There’s also an emotional toll to consider when reciting this phrase. Repeating “It is what it is” too often can desensitise us to our feelings. It may encourage emotional detachment, where we no longer acknowledge how we are feeling.
This can show up in relationships too, for example when someone hurts you, disrespects your boundaries, or doesn’t show up the way you need them to. Instead of expressing how you feel or addressing the issue, you tell yourself, “It is what it is”. While this might prevent conflict in the short term, it can lead to suppressed emotions, unspoken resentment, and a lack of genuine connection in the long run. There are better ways to engage mindfully in acceptance.
A More Mindful Approach to Acceptance
So what can we say, or do, instead?
Start by checking in with yourself. When you feel the urge to say, “It is what it is”, pause and ask:
- Am I using this phrase to acknowledge something truly beyond my control?
- Or am I avoiding discomfort, conflict, or responsibility?
- Is there something I can do, even if it’s just setting a boundary or asking for support?
- What emotions am I feeling right now that I might be suppressing?
You can still choose to let go of things but do so with awareness. Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity. It means recognising what’s real and choosing how to engage with it consciously, giving you control over how you handle it.
Healthy Alternatives
You may also consider phrases that invite both acceptance, and action:
- “This is hard, but I can choose how to respond.”
- “I don’t like this, but I can learn from it.”
- “This is what’s happening, now what’s my next step?”
- “I accept this moment, but I’m not stuck in it.”
These alternatives help create space for both emotional honesty and forward momentum.
“It is what it is” can be a helpful phrase when used with intention. However, if it becomes your go-to response to pain, conflict, or frustration, it may be a sign that you’re numbing out, avoiding, or resigning yourself to a life smaller than the one you truly deserve.
Sometimes, it isn’t what it is. Sometimes, it’s what we allow it to be.
If you are finding you are avoiding your emotions, or are feeling emotionally detached, we are here to help. Please contact our friendly reception team on 0477 798 932 to book an appointment today.
James Grgetic is a Psychologist at Progressive Psychology.