Knowing your love language can help improve your relationship
What are Love Languages?
Love languages were first described and developed by author, pastor, and counsellor Gary Chapman, PhD. Before he wrote the book "The 5 Love Languages" in 1992, Dr. Chapman spent years taking notes with the couples he was counselling when he recognised a pattern. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding one another and each other's needs. As a result, he identified five different ways that people like to give and receive love in a relationship.
The 5 Love Languages:
- Words of affirmation – affection through spoken words, compliments, praise, or appreciation.
- Quality time – affection through undivided attention, focus and presence.
- Physical touch – physical affection, sex, touch, massage, holding hands, cuddling.
- Acts of service – affection by helpful acts, doing nice things, i.e., dishes, vacuuming, errands.
- Receiving gifts – affection measured by treasuring the time and effort put into gifts, not just the gifts themselves but the thoughts and effort behind them.
How do love languages benefit relationships?
We all express and receive love differently. So, understanding these differences can make a big impact on your relationship. According to Dr. Chapman, knowing your partner's love language, and letting them know yours, can help you both feel loved and appreciated. This is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationship, regardless of sexual orientation.
Learning about your partner’s love language promotes selflessness, increases empathy and emotional intelligence. If couples regularly talk about what keeps their love tanks full, this creates more understanding, intimacy and meaningful connections in the relationship. It also improves communication and compassion, as well as aids personal growth.
What if our love languages aren’t the same?
This happens. Often. When members of a couple have different primary love languages, misunderstandings and miscommunication can occur, resulting in relationship difficulties. It is important to realise that an individual’s love language can change over time, and throughout the course of a relationship. It can be impacted by stressors and major life changes such as childbirth, past relationship trauma, and illness to name a few. However, if you can learn to understand your partner’s love language, and they can understand yours in return, you can express your love for each other in a way that ensures each person feels loved. This can increase meaningful connections in the relationship as well as relationship satisfaction.
The idea isn't that you can't be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't share the same love language. Instead, by being understanding and open, you can recognise and appreciate your partner’s actions even if they don’t perfectly match with your own love language.
Can love languages fix my relationship?
Understanding the five love languages won't fix all of your relationship issues, they are simply one tool of many you can use to help enhance communication in your relationship.
Research has shown that couples who used each other's love languages felt the happiest within their relationships when they also used self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. So, while the love languages were a tool, the couples' accountability for their emotions and behavioural changes contributed the most to their overall happiness. Developing an understanding of the 5 love languages and being accountable for your own contribution to the relationship can therefore help promote a successful and happy relationship.
Take home message
Regular and open communication to ensure you and your partner know each other's love language is needed. You can both benefit. Speaking your partner's love language may take a little bit of effort and intention, especially if it is different from yours. However, healthy relationships aren't born, they're developed through attention and effort.
If you would like to learn more about how to identify your love language, or would like some more information, give the friendly team at Progressive Psychology a call on 0477 798 932. Our friendly Psychologists are here to help!